New Year's Proclamation on Black Tie Dinners

A proclamation issued on black-tie dinners:

Whereas black-tie dinners cost our corporations hundreds of thousands of dollars that could be spent on executive bonuses or other worthy things; and

Whereas not a single person I know under the age of 80 likes to go to these things, and the only reason the elderly like to go is that they really don't have anything else to do at night, don't eat much, and fit into clothes they bought 20 years ago; and

Whereas this is a new century, and the time is right to reevaluate dead customs and shake off the husks of past traditions that no longer have meaning;

THEREFORE BE IT RESOLVED that from this date forward ALL BLACK-TIE DINNERS SHALL BE ABOLISHED and the savings be given to whatever good causes would have benefited had the events been held.